I came across this post in the Internet and I found it amusing that I thought I’d share it with you guys here. I don’t know who wrote this, but try to read it and see if you find yourself smiling at some point or nodding your head because you agree. Or maybe you’re one of those people who would say “Oh c’mon, it doesn’t even come close!” Anyways, read on.

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
6. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
7. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
8. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
9. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
10. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
11. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
12. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
13. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
14. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
15. With chocolate size doesn’t matter; it’s always good.

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example…

1. Ziploc Bags- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2. Copiers- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3. Tire- Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
4. Hot Air Balloon- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5. Sponges- Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6. Web Page- Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
7. Subway- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8. Hourglass- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9. Hammer- Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10. Remote Control- Female… Ha! You thought it’d be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Author Unknown

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?”

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Hmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You a re visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store and have a nice day!

Author Unknown 

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

I then said “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Source

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

• Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am e.s.t.
• God, help me to consider people’s feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
• God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they’re usually NOT my fault.
• God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
• Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
• God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
• God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
• Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
• God, help me to finish everything I sta
• God, help me to keep my mind on one th-Look a bird-ing at a time.
• God, help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?
• Lord, keep me open to others’ ideas, WRONG though they may be.
• Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
• Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I’ll settle for a few minutes.
• Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. Amen

A girl quickly punches a number into her phone and waits until she hears the other line pick up.

“Becky, I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. I love him so much and I don’t think he thinks of me that way. I mean, whenever I see him or think of him, I can’t help it, this smile comes across my face. Sometimes he sees me smiling and smiles back. That’s when my knees turn to jello and I get butterflies in my stomach. I know you think that he’s so totally adorable and cute, but if you look past that and actually listen to what he has to say, you find a totally different person. He’s so caring and considerate and he makes me feel like I don’t deserve him. Well, actually, I don’t deserve him. He’s too perfect, I mean, look at all the girls that fall for him. I could never be one of those. They’re all so pretty and bubbly and….. not me. I couldn’t even start to compare myself to them. But whenever I think of him or see him, I can’t help it, I smile. Now I didn’t tell you this but he called me the other day about homework. I tell you now, I made a complete fool of myself. I’m so embarrassed. I stuttered the whole time, but he was so sweet and just kept talking and making me feel better. He’s so perfect Becky, I don’t deserve him, so why do I keep wishing and praying that he will notice me, why?…………Becky? Becky are you there?”

“This isn’t Becky.”

Petrified the girl asks, “Then who is this?”

“This is the guy who’s smile turns your knees to jello and I just wanted to say one thing. Everything you just said now, I’ve been wanting to say since the day I met you.”

A man fell into a pit and couldn’t get himself out.

A subjective person came along and said, “I feel for you down there.”

An objective person came along and said, “It’s logical that someone would fall down there.”

A Christian Scientist came along and said, “You only think you’re in the pit.”

A Pharisee said, “Only bad people fall into a pit.”

Confucius said, “If you would have listened to me you wouldn’t be in that pit.”

Buddha said, “You’re pit is only a state of mind.”

A realist said, “That’s a pit.”

A scientist calculated the pressure necessary, pounds and square inches, to get him out of the pit.

A geologist told him to appreciate and study the rock strata.

An evolutionist said, “You are a rejected mutant destined to be removed from the evolutionary cycle, in other words he is going to die in the pit so he can’t produce any more pit falling offspring.”

The country inspector said, “Did you have a permit to dig that pit?”

A professor gave him a lecture on the elementary principles of the pit.

A self-pitying person said, “You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen my pit.”

An optimist said, “Things could get worse.”

A pessimist said, “Things are going to get worse.”

Jesus saw the man in the pit, took him by the hand and lifted him out.

• Don’t worry about knowing people, just make yourself worth knowing.
• Be friendly with the folks you know. If it weren’t for them you would be a total stranger.
• Friends are those who speak to you after others don’t.
• The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
• The way to have friends is to be willing to lose some arguments.
• Deal with other’s faults as gently as if they were your own.
• A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing your shine.
• You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults.
• You can make more friends by being interested in them than trying to have them be interested in you.
• A real friend is a person who, when you’ve made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
• A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
• A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
• A friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.
• . . . and most importantly, A FRIEND IS A TREASURE!

FakE FRiENDS: Never ask for food.
ReaL FRiENDS: Are the reasons that you have no food.

FakE FRiENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs.
ReaL FRiENDS: Call your parents MOM/DAD.

FakE FRiENDS: Have ever seen you cry.
ReaL FRiENDS: Cry with you.

FakE FRiENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
ReaL FRiENDS: keep your shit for so long then they forget it’s yours.

FakE FRiENDS: Know a few things about you.
ReaL FRiENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.

FakE FRiENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
ReaL FRiENDS: Will kick the whole crowd’s ass that left you.

FakE FRiENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAl FRiENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME!”

FakE FRiENDS: Are for a while.
ReaL FRiENDS: Are for life.