I realized I’ve been going through this the wrong way. Instead of trying to fix him, I should try to fix myself first and the way I think. I know that now. I have to stop worrying and scaring myself and wondering what would happen if I lost him. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve already lost him. The guy I loved is not the same guy anymore. Things have changed between us and I know there’s nothing more I could do if we’re not really meant to be together.

I’ve been beating myself up these past few months, blaming myself for the breakup (which I initiated after all), and wondering whether I did the right thing or not… analyzing whether my decision was right after all. I know I’ve said in the past that I’m well on my way to moving on for good. I guess I was wrong. And it took a big jolt to make me realize that. The truth is, I can’t truly MOVE ON, because part of me is still holding on. Holding on to the what if’s and what could have been’s.

I’ve been so used to having him around all the time and communicating with him almost everyday. I know I need to get used to not having him around anymore. I need to STOP expecting and hoping, and I need to get over the sadness of missing him. It’s hard, especially when there’s always the longing to talk to him, to see him, to be with him. I know I have to change the way I think, I have to change the way I’m seeing things.

He’s not the problem here, I am. I feel like my whole world revolved around the relationship, that I neglected myself along the way. I forgot who I really am. I need to heal. I need to start picking up the pieces. I need to fix myself in order to be whole again. Then and only then, can I truly move on and someday, maybe love again.