I saw him again tonight. But I had way better control this time than I had last time. Although I have to admit my heartbeat went a bit faster when I saw him. I guess it’s just an involuntary reaction I get every time I see him unexpectedly, I mean, I did love the guy with all my heart once - still do, as matter of fact. I guess I always will. But that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the fact that that particular chapter in my life is over and that I promised myself I would never go back, if I could help it.

I was with some friends tonight and when I saw him walk past me, I had the urge to call his attention. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I know that if I let him see me, and we would get to talking, then I would just be giving myself a hard time. It’s just too early. We’re friends through text and chat, but that’s about it. I don’t want to talk to him personally, not just yet anyway. I have to allow myself that separation time. I know I shouldn’t be texting or chatting with him even, but I just can’t stop myself. I want him to be part of my life still - as a FRIEND. I don’t wanna lose his friendship. Even though it didn’t work out between us as lovers, I still want us to be friends. After all, he’s the best friend I’ve ever had.

I didn’t expect to see him tonight. But like I said, I handled it better than last time. Way better. For one thing, I didn’t feel the painful wave of emotions and memories anymore. I didn’t feel bad about the past. The longing isn’t that intense now. I always knew it will get easier with time. It has to.

Tonight, I’m simply acknowledging the fact that I do miss him. I miss his company and his love. But for some reason, it seems like I’m feeling it in some other part of my heart. It’s a sort of distant feeling, not central to my emotions. I can’t really explain it, but I do know that it’s not the kind of emotion like before. I think it stems from the fact that I’ve accepted in my heart that we’re not meant to be together. What we had is just part of my past now. I still feel the attraction and temptation to go back, but it’s easier to ignore them now. I’ve learned to include them in my “box of memories” left somewhere in my past, and not let them affect me in a negative way.

I know that somewhere out there, I’m going to find the man that’s meant for me. But I’m in no hurry to meet him. He will come at the right time. As for my ex, I still love him. But we just can’t be together anymore. And I don’t wanna go back. I don’t want to feel all that pain again. Don’t get me wrong, I AM grateful for everything I’ve shared with him, all the good times and the bad. I feel lucky that I was able to experience love with him. But everything that I’ve been feeling is just felt in a positive way now. No bitterness, no anger, no regret… just pure acceptance and forgiveness. I can say that I’m well on my way. I’m really moving on. And it just makes me so happy that I’ve finally found the strength to do it. I feel light and free. And I know this is just the first step to finding my own happiness. A few more steps to go.

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