I saw him tonight. I was walking in the mall innocently, on my way to meet a few friends, when BAM!, there he was. I thought I was prepared to see him, but I was totally caught off guard with the sudden acceleration of my heartbeat. I didn’t know whether to let him see me or not. I wasn’t ready to face him. After a minute or two of deliberation, I decided to just go on my way without making myself seen. I joined my friends with my heart still racing, struggling to keep my composure.

It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. All those months that I’ve tried to get over him, all those emotions that I’ve tried so hard to forget, they all came creeping up to me again slowly. It was a good thing that my friends decided to go watch a movie, so I had a good excuse for a diversion. I forced him into the back of my mind while I concentrated on the movie for a couple of hours. I promised myself I wouldn’t let it ruin my night. It worked.

I knew I had two choices. I could let it affect me negatively, and I could go back to being miserable, OR, I could process it in my mind, and find a way to be at peace with it. I chose the latter. I knew I had it within myself to deal with it effectively. Mind Over Matter. After all, I’ve been through so much worse. I guess that’s what made it easier this time, because I already was able to overcome the hardest part.

Breaking up with someone you still love so much is painfully hard, and the wounds that you get from it don’t just heal overnight. Not even in a matter of months. Sometimes, not even in years. So I knew, I would have times where I would falter and my resolve would crumble. And seeing him like that, for the first time since the breakup; that was indeed, one of those times.

It was like waking up from a nightmare that I have had for nights, and yet realizing that I’m not really fully awake yet. I was resisting the pain, I didn’t want to have anything to do with it anymore. I wanted to escape. But I also knew that I could deal with it if I mastered my emotions. And then strangely, after I thought about it and after I let my mind grasp the truth, I felt peace emanating from me. It was the peace that came from acceptance. Acceptance of things that are beyond my control. He was just a friend now, nothing more, nothing less. And although at some level inside me, there’s still some regret and longing, I know I have to move on. There’s no other way. I can’t go back to that place I’ve tried so hard to get away from. I REFUSE to go back.

I think the pain is essentially coming from the fact that I’m still somehow, holding on. No matter how bleak, I’m still seeing the prospect that we will be together again in the future. And that’s what keeps me tied to the emotions that I’ve been wanting to get rid of for so long. Now, if I could just accept… TRULY ACCEPT that he’s not the guy for me and that we’ll always be just friends, maybe that will make the healing process go faster and maybe someday when I cross paths with him again, I wouldn’t be so affected. I think I’m getting there. I need practice though. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be. It’s quite a challenge. But it’s a challenge that I’m willing to take on.

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