The end of a relationship can be emotionally devastating, but it can also mean freedom. Freedom from being with someone you probably weren’t supposed to be with in the first place or things wouldn’t have had to end.

We can feel really deep emotional pain and sadness for the loss when a relationship ends. Missing the person and the relationship might make us long to get back into that relationship when we mistakenly assume and blame this as the source of the pain we feel. Many people have experienced this yo-yo effect of getting into and out of a relationship with the same person before they realize that it is not healthy for either party and finally get out for good.

Try to take a look at it this way instead–when a relationship fails, the pain one feels really comes from losing what we had wanted and hoped the relationship to be. When you look at it this way, you can see that you are not losing what you had envisioned or hoped the relationship to be. Rather what you are actually losing is a relationship in which one or neither of you were happy.

Because you cannot truly lose something that you never had, it is rather useless to feel pain for something that doesn’t exist and never will exist. What could have been in your relationship probably never was. Don’t waste your precious time and your even more precious emotional energy on something or someone that never will be what you want it to be. Instead, focus your energy on finding a relationship where you are both happy and together can co-create a healthy and loving relationship.

To that end, it is still important to recognize that it is healthy and desirable to mourn for the loss of someone you love, just make sure that you identify the proper source of the pain so that you don’t go getting back into a relationship with someone you aren’t truly compatible with. Then, you can be free to move on and find the love of your life.

by: Lisa Stuart